Reflecting back to this night one year ago
Tonight I ran across something I had typed into my phone on this night exactly one year ago. I have not blogged much in the last year and felt I am ready to share a bit. The first part is dated February 21, 2022, and is shared here pretty much unedited. The second part of this post is simply a few of the many thoughts and feelings I am experiencing tonight.
The photo above was taken on January 9, just six and a half weeks before Micah left us on February 24, 2022. Bob and I are pictured with our son, his three children, and his cousin, Ariel, and her friend.
Avera McKennan Hospital
Sioux Falls SD
It is 9:17, and I have been here for a little over an hour now. Earlier today, I spoke to someone from palliative care on the phone. She said Micah did not want to leave Sioux Falls for hospice. She recognized that Micah was much more at peace with facing death today than he was when she saw him last Friday. We all owe that to the fact that Tasha and Shayla spent time with Micah, praying with and for him on Saturday, which seems to have alleviated his fear and anxiety over not being there for his children, the process of dying, and whether he is ready to meet Jesus.
Plans have been made to move Micah to the Dougherty Hospice House tomorrow. Hopefully, that will be early in the day so the kids, Tasha and cousin Rachel, can come there to see him.
Tonight I am reminded of the last time I spent the night in a hospital chair…when Ethan had pneumonia…another one of those frightening times our family has gone through.
Either I am feeling much more at peace this time, or I am more numb this time around. Maybe it’s a little of both.
God, I don’t want Micah to leave us so soon, but neither do I want to see him suffer. You are the Great Physician, The Way Maker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the Darkness! You can surely perform a healing miracle—surely make a way for him to live here on earth for many more years. And if that is Your plan, I know You will do it! If not, Your Light still radiates, dispelling all darkness; Your Perfect Love casting out all fear!
11:35 Micah is having trouble sleeping, so he turns on some music. Many of the songs I had never heard before. I listen intently, jotting down lyrics so I can look up the songs on YouTube later. The music soothes both of our troubled souls. No, God soothed our troubled souls through the words of the songs on Micah’s playlist:
I believe in miracles…I will praise you in the storm…the story’s not over yet…I don’t want to go through the motions…this is my testimony…let us pray…not afraid of dying…God, I need you now...You are my refuge…
Micah talked in his sleep. I can’t help but wonder what he is seeing and thinking. He is restless. He has lost all sense of modesty as two young women work in tandem to clean him and the bed.
He is scheduled to be transferred to the Dougherty Hospice House at 10 am. I really do hope and pray that nothing gets in the way of that happening. It will be so much nicer to be with him there rather than in this uncomfortable hospital room.
February 21, 2023
As I sit in my chair in the comfort of my living room, I am transported back to that night one year ago. Micah’s last night in the hospital before moving to hospice. Little did I know that Micah would only be with us for another couple of days.
Little did I know how often I would play Micah’s music playlist in the year to follow and how God would use it to heal my heart. I am so filled with gratitude to know that my son, when he was in unimaginable and excruciating pain, turned to the LORD to get him through that night (and I was told by his nurses many other nights, as well.)
Every word of every song on Micah’s playlist has given me access to some of his thoughts and prayers during his journey through cancer and into eternity.
I am reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians 4:16, which says: “Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day,” and feel privileged to have witnessed to the fact that even though Micah’s body was dying, his spirit was being renewed!
That night, I saw my son getting ready to meet Jesus. Oh, how I miss him, and sometimes I do ask God why it had to be this way. Yet God is sovereign, and I trust that our Heavenly Father knows best.
I have thought about heaven more this past year than I have in all the years before this. I keep wondering what Micah is experiencing. What it is like to see Jesus face to face. What the streets of gold look like. What it’s like to see loved ones gone on before…to meet Moses and King David and the Apostle Paul and all the prophets and apostles. What Micah is doing and seeing and feeling, and I can’t help but look forward to the day when I will join Micah in heaven to finally know for myself.